I had the depressing realization last night that I'm not going to accomplish a lot of the things I had hoped to accomplish before I'm 30.
I thought, by the time I was 30, that I'd have children--or at least be pregnant and on my way to having them.
I thought, by the time I was 30, that I'd own a home.
I thought, by the time I was 30, that my husband and I would have taken at least one great vacation, just the two of us.
I thought, by the time I was 30, I'd be in a job I love.
I thought, by the time I was 30, that I wouldn't still feel like I'm battling depression all the time.
I know I'm not turning 30 tomorrow or anything. It's less than a year away, though. And some of these things--these dreams I had for my life--are not looking like they are going to happen anytime soon. And it's so much harder than I thought it would be. It's so hard to be patient and wait for good things to come. It's so hard to be patient and wait for a light at the end of the tunnel. It's so hard to see people I love waiting and hoping and dreaming and not getting what they want so much.
It's so hard.
I don't profess to be the most devoted Christian anymore. Too much has happened since my naive days of teenage fearless faith for me to want to jump up and scream "YEAH JESUS!" on the regular. I've been hurt too much by the church to really want to try going again. I've been hurt too much by Christians to want to bare my soul again.
God though... he hasn't hurt me. I've struggled a lot in the last 10 years, but I don't blame God. I don't think he's "testing" me. I don't think he's punishing me. Life is hard. It just is. I don't look to God to change the rules for me and make things easy just because I believe in him.
For some reason this afternoon the phrase "God's promises" just came into my head. I don't know why. So I turned to Pintrest, the place of all things inspirational, for some reminders of what those promises are.
I don't believe that good things are right around the corner. Maybe that came out wrong...
I don't believe that God.... drags us through the mud just so he can shower us with gold on the other side. I don't believe that because I struggle now, amazing things are coming my way. I don't think that life is a gigantic teeter-totter, where once you're down as far as you can go, you're automatically raised up. I don't think God is that... shallow. I don't think he's the fairy godmother who comes to Cinderella as she cries the bitterest of tears and transforms her into a beautiful princess.
God promises to work all things for our good, but what's good for us doesn't always feel very good. (See: vegetables). I don't believe that God is ever going to wave a magic wand and take away my depression. I don't know why I was created with a chemical imbalance in my head, but I was. I don't think all the prayer in the world will set it right.
My thoughts are all over the place, so forgive me.
I guess... my point is. I believe my weakness serves a purpose. I believe that my struggles are for a reason. I don't think that reason or purpose is so that I'll see rainbows and unicorns on the other side. I don't think life works that way. I don't think that because things have been hard that God has an easy life waiting for me down the road. It may always be hard. I believe no matter what that he has a reason for it. That's all I can believe.
If I believe too hard that something amazing must be coming because things have been so hard, I will only wind up disappointed.
If I believe too hard that God will make all my dreams come true, I will never be satisfied.
All I can do is believe there's a reason for me, for my life. There's a reason.
